So, there have been some days recently that have really kicked me in the gut. Don’t get me wrong, of course there have been days (and nights) that have made me inexplicably happy beyond any description I could attempt to give. But, maybe because of the post-holiday dreariness of January, the frigid cold and difficult to navigate and always unexpected and inconsistent snow, I have been a little bit restless, despondent and anxious lately.
I should say that there is absolutely no concrete reason for any of this. This time last year, I met the most incredible guy, so I can proudly say that I now have a boyfriend who brings me such joy and is like a best friend (or as Edward Rochester would say a “best earthly companion”!) to me. My love life is accounted for then! I also have the most amazing family…my parents and younger brother are my other three best friends in the world, and so my support system is plentiful! And this tally doesn’t even take into account the beautiful, hilarious and intelligent close female friends I’ve accumulated over the years (some as early as elementary school, like the girl with the fiercely curly and buoyant hair and shy smile, and others well into my university education who have enlightened me personally and academically) – you ladies know who you are! xox
Despite all this (or I’m starting to think because of it), I find myself prone to nervousness and fear. I’ve always worried about everything and nothing all at once, and so it seems that my start of the year fatigue is making my mind and my heart a touch less resilient than usual. I’ve started to take everything personally and to feel everything that is said or done to me so much more harshly and profoundly. I’m sure I’m worrying about the littlest, most insignificant things possible because my life is going so well and because I’m so content right now. But I can’t help being afraid that my loved ones will get hurt, or that I will, or that they’ll leave me somehow for a reason that’s beyond my control or for something that I didn’t even know I was doing – basically I’m paranoid that all this happiness will float away in an instant and I’ll have no choice but to watch it go. That’s probably unlikely, I know, but I succumb to feeling unsettled so quickly and easily.
If I had to guess why I feel this way right now, at this particular moment and on this particular day, I would say it’s because I still have absolutely no idea where I belong. I enjoy my job enough, but I don’t know that I feel entirely fulfilled doing it. I miss (probably absurdly) school and classes: I miss discussing literature, sitting in seminars and voicing my opinions, even if I don’t miss writing essays that fit into such rigid doctrines and schools of thought. I feel like I’ve lost some passion somehow, like I’m going through my days in a tired haze. I feel like I haven’t yet figured out exactly who I am, or who I want to be, and where that person fits.
The thing is, if I had to pinpoint the one thing (other than my personal relationships) that makes me the most proud at this moment, it would be this blog. I’m proud of the fact that I’ve created it, I’m proud of what it looks like, and I stand behind every single word I have written here. Maybe it doesn’t amount to much of anything in the grand scheme of things, but I’m happy that my words have gotten out into the public…even if very few people read them at all, I am still proud that they exist somewhere in the world outside myself.
So, I still have no real idea who I am. I still feel restless, and I have no idea where I am going to end up. (Sidenote: The book I just started reading, Say Her Name by Francisco Goldman, is probably not going to help with my moroseness…but I’m enjoying it too much to stop reading now!)
All I can say for sure is, whatever I become, for now I am the Girl with a Green Heart – and I am so very proud to be her!
Janille N G
(You know the rest!)
PS – The image featured on this post was made for me by my father, who (along with my mother, brother and boyfriend) is endlessly supportive of everything I do! And yes, it should look similar to the Jane Eyre art piece I posted about a little while ago that my boyfriend made me – just some friendly competition among the men in my life! 😉