Many apologies for the late post this week, but I had another busy weekend (it seems like all summer weekends get busy somehow!), and I actually have today off work, so I thought it would be prime blog writing time.
Having said that, I know exactly which quote I want to feature today and I’ve been planning what I want to say for the last few days. But now, as I stare at the white screen in front of me, I find that I don’t have any idea how to articulate the feeling I wished to convey. Maybe I should start with the quote then?! It is of course from The Time Traveler’s Wife, my current fictional obsession and a story that’s getting me through many lonely, solitary days at the moment.
“‘Do you ever miss him?’ she asks me.
‘Every day. Every minute.’” – The Time Traveler’s Wife, Audrey Niffenegger
Okay, so there you have it…a quote about longing, wanting and solitude. What is there to say about it really, other than what it so glaringly and strikingly says for itself? In this particular scene, Clare Abshire has just explained to her grandmother about her love Henry and his penchant for disappearing and leaving her to wait for him. Their relationship is a complicated one, and of course Henry doesn’t want to always be putting Clare in this position of persistent alone-ness, but he cannot help it and Clare often finds herself missing him, with no possible means of contacting him whatsoever.
And haven’t we all been there in our lives? I’m sitting here in that exact state right now, wishing that SS also had the day off and we could spend the next 24 hours doing something together, rather than me trying to find ways to fill this exceptionally long day without him. I spend many days each week missing him in various degrees: sometimes I’m so lonely that I lie in bed for much longer in the morning than I should; sometimes I have plans with other people, my friends or family, and I’m able to pretend that I don’t mind so much that he isn’t there too; sometimes I’m anxious to get certain things done (a blog post, perhaps?!) and the time flies as if there isn’t a moment to spare anyway. But, if I’m honest, SS is always, constantly at the back of my mind. Not a second goes by that I don’t think about him, even when I’m thinking about something else. It’s like he exists in a compartment of my heart that’s always beating louder than anything else, even louder than anything happening around me, and so he is always present, his face and smile are always there behind my eyes even when I’m trying to see the world around me.
So, I’m in a perpetual state of missing him when he is not around. I feel like Clare in this way, and I think that even though I know that my boyfriend is always in the same year as me, is always existing under the same sky and breathing the same air, I can still miss him as if he were a thousand miles (or a couple years) away!
Now, I was going to lead this post to a bit of a scarier place as well, but I guess I will just mention it briefly because I know there will be a longer blog post about this idea soon, once I finish the novel for the third time. *SPOILER ALERT!!!* If you’ve read The Time Traveler’s Wife or even seen the movie, you know how it ends: Henry dies and Clare…well she has to figure out how to go on alone, again, but with even less hope of her lover coming around. And, I have even less of an idea how to talk about that sort of loss, that extreme state of missing. Recently, one of my close family members lost someone very dear to them, and I have watched her struggle with that immensely. While others have told her to be strong and that these things happen (How unhelpful is that?), I feel her pain acutely and I cannot fathom how she is coping. Having a boyfriend, someone that I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, brings to the forefront of my mind a fear of this exact circumstance. I know it is inevitable, and that is what is so frightening – in this human life, someone will eventually have to leave, and I just don’t know what happens after that for the person who stays. I don’t want to think about it and yet I can’t help it…especially when I know that I’ll have to go through it with Clare very soon.
Okay, anyway, sorry for the depressing post! I guess we’re all in this constant state of missing every now and then…and I know that putting these things into words has always helped me feel much better! Thanks for coming along for the rant and talk to you all soon!
Girl with a Green Heart